The Experience of God's Grace

Wow! A lot has happened since my last blog. I have had an anniversary, a birthday and....a BABY!
I feel so overwhelmed with joy and see God's grace in my life day after day.

In the past I remember the feeling of terror and burden every time I thought about having children. Being the oldest in a single parent home made me never want kids. Then, when I met my husband and grew to maturity I thought that maybe a few kids wouldn't be so bad but the discomfort remained.

It is amazing how we can allow something from our past to shape our future, good or bad. Even though I was raised by an awesome mother, it almost felt at times, as if I was the second parent. That is something a child, teenager or adolescent should never feel.

I often had to miss out on school activities because I had to keep my brother while she worked. Or I would have to take him with me. He was a pretty good kid, but it made me bitter because I felt there was no freedom.

So when I grew up I saw children as a burden......which is a horrible attitude to have towards an innocent child. And yes my brother was bullied by me because of it.

I have apologized to him many times for the way I treated him. Some may say that that type of behavior is normal for siblings, but honestly it really doesn't have to be.

Because of my outlook on what I thought having children would be like, I put off having children for years. I almost was leaning on not having them at all. I loved it just being me and my husband and got used to that lifestyle after 11 years of marriage and 14 years of being together (now 12 years married and 15 years together).

Every year our family and friends would ask when we were having kids and every year we would say "Next year." I know they got tired of hearing that but we didn't care. Then we found out we were pregnant and it was a shock! But when I saw the first ultra sound and she moved.... my heart was changed from that moment on.

When I look back at the year before conception, I realize that God and his grace was doing a supernatural change in my heart. I remember telling God I was ready to meet Madisyn (I always knew that would be her name). I didn't really know if I was ready or not but I knew that I had love to give that was more maternal than before.

As I watched her grow inside of me I began to see a different side of life that I had never been exposed to. Every movement, every change in my body and hers, began to show a side of God's grace that only a mother would know.

His grace was in the pregnancy, delivery and in her existence now. I would not trade this for the world! I see now that there was no need for fear of the unknown because, what is unknown to us is known to our Heavenly Father, and he only wants the best for us.

I thank God that he would entrust me and my husband with such an awesome gift and expression of his love and Grace. I am honored to be a mother!